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The Power of Stories

Our oldest boys, Manny and AJ, arrived at our home late on a Friday night. They came with one small backpack containing ill-fitting pajamas and a single diaper each. Hidden at the bottom of the bag were two worn and tattered children’s books. Amid the uncertainty and fear that accompanied this big transition for the boys, these stories offered an opportunity for connection. After tucking the boys into their new and unfamiliar beds, I sat on the floor between them and read the books aloud. 

On that very first day of our foster care journey, we discovered how to share words and connect with our kids through stories.

AJ and Manny came to us drowning in a sea of confusing, indecipherable words. At a time in their development when they should have been discovering language and acquiring hundreds of words, they moved between six foster homes that spoke four distinct languages. Transitions and trauma halted their development. The brothers did not respond to verbal cues or directions. The deficit was so profound that the pediatrician recommended a hearing test. The audiologist initially concluded they were completely deaf or possibly mentally impaired.

After collaborating with therapists and language specialists, both boys were diagnosed with significant language acquisition issues. Words had lost their meaning as the boys transitioned from home to home and language to language. At three and four years old, their language deficit caused them incredible frustration, as they struggled to express their needs and emotions, but often could not find the right words. This resulted in emotional and behavioral outbursts, as well as physical aggression.

We started to fill our home with stories. At naptime, audiobooks played in our boys’ darkened room, giving their minds and bodies a rest from the pressures of the day. After school, their wide eyes would scour picture books, and their little ears would listen eagerly to each familiar story. At nighttime, their busy little bodies would still, as they listened to a bedtime story read aloud. They loved hearing my husband’s homespun tales of adventure, danger, and courage, where he named them the heroes of each escapade. 

The more stories we read and shared, the more words AJ and Manny added to their vocabularies. The more heroes they encountered, the more courageous they became in expressing their thoughts. The more they discovered how things worked through books, the more adventurous they became as they explored their world. 

Our little men, who required three social workers to wrangle into their car seats after birth family visits, who had Individual Education Plans as early as preschool, and who failed their auditory screenings, listened, engaged, and were transported by the magic of stories. They began to imagine how life could hold both sorrow and joy, grief and hope, loss and love. 

We have the power and privilege to introduce our children from hard places to the magic and beauty of words. “… I believe that words, too, are necessities- and to give the children of the world the words they need is, in a real sense, to give them life and growth and refreshment…” Katherine Paterson, children’s author, Gates of Excellence.

Our kids from hard places carry deep wounds, strong connections with their first families, and wildly complex stories. What if, instead of disregarding and fearing their histories, we embraced their stories and helped them shape, learn, and heal from their past by immersing them in the power of story?

Stories Help Us Transition

Six-year-old Reina transitioned into our home after a year in foster care. Before meeting our big family of foster and adopted kids, she thought that she was the only child EVER to be separated from her family and placed in foster care. She believed the stories kids at school told about her- that she was unloved, unwanted, and defective. 

Reading stories together helped us ease Reina’s transition into our family and prepared her for the transition back home to her birth family. We read stories in her heart language and in English- stories that made her laugh, stories with characters that shared her name, came from her culture of origin, or even mirrored her wild, curly hair. We read stories about kids in foster care and about kids being reunited with their first families. We reread the Bible stories she heard while attending Mass with her mom. We found copies of her favorite stories in Reina’s heart language and tucked them in her luggage so that she could take them home and share them with her mom after her transition home. 

For our five adopted kids, we used adoption stories to help us transition from being a foster family to a forever family. Reading biographies of famous adoptees and stories about adopted superheroes helped our family put words to the hopes and fears of adoption. We shared books about open adoptions with their birth families to help share our hopes for strong relationships with their first families. I shared my own adoption story with them again and again. Reading and telling these stories helped start an ongoing, open dialogue about adoption, giving our kids the permission and space to ask hard questions and share their stories whenever they need to. 

Stories Connect Us

One morning, while ploughing through schoolwork with our older boys, frustration set in, books were thrown, and angry words roared from their mouths. Manny stormed out of the room, and AJ curled himself into an angry ball in the corner of the couch, refusing to speak to anyone. At a loss for the right words to help my sons, I pulled out a well-loved adventure book about two brothers struggling together through the snow to find their lost father. 

After years in foster care, AJ was afraid of physical touch and winced if someone even brushed against his skin. As the story unfolded, so did my AJ. His body began to relax. His eyes lost their shadow and regained their twinkle. He began to inch closer and snuggle in. The stress and confusion caused by a life lived in the limbo of foster care eased as he lost himself in a story. During story time, he began to respond to gentle fingers combing through his hair or a tender arm encircling his shoulder. 

Manny’s first reaction to conflict was distance. When he felt angry or threatened, he put as much distance as he could between himself and the fight. Story is a way we invited him back into the family circle and reestablished our connection. On this harried morning, Manny inched his way back into the room, anger spent, ready to connect over a story we all loved. 

This type of connection can span generations. Their grandma Joy, who lives over a thousand miles away, hosts a Book Club with our kids over Zoom. As they sip yummy drinks, they share their favorite books and stories with Grandma, rejoice over the hero’s journey, commiserate over the hero’s downfalls, and build lasting connections with her and with each other. The Book Club has grown to include cousins from two different states and helps the kids nurture a love for stories in an environment where they are immersed in rich words, stimulating discussions, and strong relationships. 

On a recent visit to Grandma Joy’s house, she invited each of our kids into her library for treats and a one-on-one book club date, with a unique book selected for each of them to read with her. For our kids who are separated from the proximity and legacy of their first families, connections like this are essential. For Manny and AJ, their connection with Grandma Joy through books sparked conversations and a deeper bond with their maternal grandmother, who is also a lover of stories.    

I continue to read aloud to my fifteen and sixteen-year-olds daily. The backtalking, overconfident, rebellious attitudes disappear as we, together through books, enter the world of inventors, explorers, misfits, and heroes. Through story, they develop empathy and understanding. They are gaining perspective on history and culture. In times of grief, they find solace in the shared struggle and loss of heroes on the written page.  

Stories Help Us Heal

Grief and sorrow are a heavy part of our children’s stories. After ten years of slow and sometimes heartbreaking reconciliation, the birth mom of our two oldest sons died from heart failure after years of addiction. This tremendous loss shattered Manny and threatened to bury him in grief. He began to believe it would be better not to feel anything at all. To never love. To never lose someone he loved. 

We struggled to find the words and strategies to reach Manny in his despair. We sought out wise counsel and researched grief counselors. We fervently prayed. But what pierced through the sorrow, straight to his heart, was a story. A dystopian futuristic book about what the world would be like without emotion, loss, or freedom; a world without history or story or color, and the deep brokenness that resulted. The book gave us a framework to discuss his pain—a ladder to begin climbing towards healing, towards his family, towards his faith, and towards the comfort he found reading the Bible. 

Helping Our Children Write Their Stories

One of our family’s favorite pastimes is to pore over photo albums or watch family videos. We start building albums for each child as soon as they enter our home. We compile memories of their time with us and include photos of birth-family visits and celebrations. We gather baby pictures, letters from their first family, hand-drawn pictures, birthday cards, and build memory albums together. We have a digital photo frame on our mantle that we regularly upload images to. We share stories that we gather from grandparents, birth parents, and extended family members. 

Remembering and reflecting on their stories helps our kids gain perspective, cultivate gratitude, and hold onto hope. There is power and healing in honoring our kids’ stories, and we are witnessing the redemption of their stories of pain, loss, sorrow, and hurt as we do so.  

On those days when your child seems unreachable and lost, be encouraged. When your own words seem ineffective and unheard, don’t give up. Establish connections with your kids through the beauty of a story. Read-aloud. Share a favorite picture book. Visit a library. Listen to an audiobook. Share a funny family story. Write your child a love note. Record a story from their life in a journal. Be bold and give your children the gift of story.

Recommended Reading: 

The Read-Aloud Family: Making Meaningful and Lasting Connections with Your Kids, by Sarah Mackenzie

Give Your Child the World: Raising Globally Minded Kids One Book at a Time, by Jamie C. Martin

Steeped in Stories: Timeless Children’s Novels to Refresh Our Tired Souls, by Matali Perkins

Best Booklists for Kids of All Ages: Read-Aloud Revival Booklists https://readaloudrevival.com/recommends/

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A Foster/Adoptive Mom’s Quiet Reflection: Grieving the loss of a child’s heart language

“When our son came to us through foster care, he was three years old—and his first language was Spanish. Because there wasn’t a Spanish-speaking family available, he was placed in our home. We have many strengths as a family, but speaking Spanish isn’t one of them! Looking back, I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have been for him—on top of the trauma of being separated from his biological mother, he suddenly found himself in a home with different food, different music, a different rhythm of life, and a language he didn’t understand.

I had taken quite a bit of Spanish in college, and I remember praying, “Lord, bring back every word of Spanish I’ve ever learned!” I quickly became fluent in what I call “preschool Spanish.” Our communication was clunky, but what we couldn’t manage in words, we made up for with hugs, cuddles, and safe touch. God also provided a support friend who was fluent in Spanish, and I will never forget how his face lit up whenever this friend spoke with him—even something as simple as playing together on the church playground in his heart language. That simple gift of connection meant so much.

As our son’s case moved toward adoption, I began to grieve the reality that he would eventually lose his first language. I wanted so badly for him to remain fluent in Spanish, but we soon realized that if we didn’t encourage him to learn English, he would remain on the outside of our family’s daily life—since I was the only one who could communicate with him in Spanish. And with his many other needs—occupational therapy, physical therapy, academic intervention—our dream of raising him bilingual was quietly set aside.

Today, he is an incredible kid—happy, joyful, and deeply healed by God’s grace. But he’s also a brown-skinned child who no longer speaks Spanish. I see the sadness in his eyes when another Latino child approaches him on the playground, assuming they’ll be able to talk in Spanish, only for our son to shake his head. Because there weren’t enough Spanish-speaking foster families or supports available at the time, he lost something significant—his first language—on the road to finding his forever family. 

More than ever, we need Spanish-speaking families who can step up as foster families and support friends through Foster the City. As a community, we can do better-we have to do better! Every child deserves to process the trauma of foster care with a loving family who can speak to them in their native language.” 

  • FTC Foster/Adoptive Mom

In most counties that Foster the City serves, the majority of children in the foster care system come from the Latino community, and many speak Spanish as their first language. If you speak Spanish – or know someone who does – you can make a life-changing difference for a child in foster care. 

RSVP to an Interest Meeting today – fosterthecity.org/rsvp (available in English and Spanish)

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God’s Faithfulness Through Support Friends

Our family is big on the outdoors—camping, hiking, fishing, and exploring the unknown. It’s easy to see God with us when we are in his creation and enjoying things that are beautiful. The journey into foster care…has been a different kind of adventure. This time, the unknown has seemed less exciting and way more scary.

We welcomed our first foster child into our home almost two years ago. It has been a time of many happy moments, but also grief and a hard like we’ve never experienced before. Everything has been new and we’ve had to learn (fast!) how to organize so much paperwork, understand court and all the people involved, and juggle visits.

But more than all that, the struggle and challenge has really been in how to love. It’s easy to love a baby. It’s not as easy to love her birth family. It’s hard to be honest about this, but it’s true. It’s hard to look beyond their life choices and to see their hurt. It’s hard to forgive them for how they have hurt their baby and for how they have treated us. It’s hard to want good for them. On the hardest days, my sinful self does not want to love them and I don’t know how.

Yet this is what God called us to do when we stepped into foster care and God did not leave us without hope and a promise.

Isaiah 42:16 says, “And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”

God promised us that he is with us on this journey, that he will lead us and guide us and not forsake us on this path we have not known. Our Foster the City support friends are God’s way of providing what he promised. When the road is bumpy, he levels the ground by providing tangible help. Our friends help us clean and get ready for social worker visits. Every Tuesday, a support friend brings dinner (which for a family of eight is no small task!). One family has a little one the same age as our foster daughter and they invite her for play dates. Our friends help with rides for our older kids and cheer them on in sports; they babysit the younger ones so we can get in a date night. Every time we have a need, it is met by the time we are done asking. Our support friends make everyday life just a little easier so we can better tackle the hard and unknown.

More than practically, our support friends are God’s provision for light in the darkness through their constant encouragement and prayers for us. What began as a group of church members helping with logistics has turned into genuine friendship. When we don’t have time or can’t share details, we can ask our support friends to pray and trust that they will. Their prayers have covered everything from court dates to salvation for our little one and her family. When I struggle to forgive or I can’t pray good for our girl’s family, our friends carry that burden.

I’ve struggled with so much fear. Fear that we’re doing this wrong, fear about the unknown, fear about saying goodbye when it’s time. Our support friend has become a trusted counselor—always listening, never judging, and pointing and encouraging me to the hope that is ours in Christ. On our own, we don’t have the compassion, forgiveness, and mercy it takes to do foster care. We need our friends to pray these things for us. God has provided a light in the darkness in our support friends— they have been our flashlight, holding up light as God guides our path.

It’s been a different adventure, but we’re okay because our unchanging and faithful God is walking with us.

-FTC Foster Parent

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Oil of Joy

“Ministry is others being blessed by the oil that came from what crushed you.”

When I heard this statement, it took my breath away. It’s true! And not just in my life, but throughout the Redemptive Story we see in Scripture.

We see it in the life of Joseph, who was able to say to his brothers who’d sold him into slavery, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Gen. 50:20).

We see it in the story of Naomi, the female Job, widowed and barren in a patriarchal culture, whose daughter in law, Ruth, fiercely chose a path of self-sacrificial love and devotion to Naomi, leading to a redemptive story that birthed the great King David, and ultimately our Savior into the world.

And our Jesus, crushed and bruised, bloodied and broken, poured out so that we might have life. This is the Gospel. This is the way of Jesus. And we, his followers, are invited to walk in it.

“I could NEVER love a child and give her back.” This is a phrase every foster parent has heard.  And yet, that is the goal of foster care – the restoration of families. As foster parents, we have the incredible privilege of co-redeeming with God as He weaves families back together.

And it’s brutal and beautiful. Brutiful.

Bringing home a baby from the hospital is pure joy.  But in the case of foster care, bringing home a baby is mingled with pure grief, as a birth mama is left behind. “This is not the way it’s supposed to be” – a phrase I feel myself thinking over and over again along this journey. Nevertheless, when my family brought home a precious baby boy earlier in our fostering journey, the joy of new life overwhelmed our family.  We knew he wasn’t “ours.” No baby really is, but you think differently when they come out of your body.

When I found out he was going to be reunified with his family, I began to grieve losing him in ours. I also decided to keep loving him with my whole heart. He deserved that, so I held nothing back. I relished all the little moments, tiny hands grabbing my bottom lip as he nursed his bottle. The smell of his head, the sounds he made as he began to discover his own voice, the way he felt, heavy with sleep in my arms; the tenderness of my husband and the joy of my other children engaging with him, playfully, lovingly. The look in his eyes at the first morning in our home, bright and shiny and ready to receive love and life. His smile. His wiggly yearning to go, go, go.

And then, it was time.

I wailed when he left.

Empty swing.

Empty bed.

Empty drawers.

Empty hall.

Empty arms.

Empty heart.

I tried to hold it together when the social worker came to get him. I tried really hard. But there is some pain that can’t be held in. It just comes pouring out. I explained this and that about all the things I had packed up…his whole life, really. That’s when it erupted from somewhere deep within, right out my eyes, the windows to my soul, all hot and wet. I tried to be strong. “Here are some extra diapers and formula. These are the jammies he likes…” said through tears with a mind of their own.

Brutal.

And. But. Yet…

Yet, he was going home, to forever be with his family. What broke something in me healed something in him. In his family.

Beautiful.

It is such a confusing journey, being a foster mama. I knew when I entered into it that I would have to let him go. And truly he is where he needs to be, with an adoring family who are devoted to him and love him wholeheartedly. For this I am deeply grateful.  He doesn’t need me anymore. And so we continue to walk this brutiful journey.

This is the ministry of foster care: others being blessed by the oil that comes from what crushes you. The oil of love, the oil of healing, the oil of hope, the oil of redemption. This is the oil of our worship…offering all that we are as a living sacrifice (Rom. 12:1) for the sake of love.

As a follower of Jesus, the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on you, and he has anointed you to proclaim good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners…to comfort all who mourn…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. (from Isaiah 61:1-3, italics mine)

Throughout Scripture, oil is used to anoint people for the ministry that the Holy Spirit has set them apart to accomplish. The oil that gushes from the most painfully crushing places of your story can also be the places the Holy Spirit flows through most powerfully, as we surrender it all to Him.

Being a part of the redemptive stories that God is writing among the greatest privileges we have as followers of The Way of Jesus. And, in my experience, the oil flows not just to others but will cover you with more than all you could ask or imagine…because that is just how good our God is!

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Transitions in Foster Care

Foster Care is full of moments of transition! We would love to share some resources to help you navigate this next season as a Foster Parent: 

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On the Other Side of Fear

The world of foster care can feel like a turbulent ocean. On our personal journey as foster parents, my husband and I have been led into that stormy place.

Our first placement was a beautiful baby girl. Her nickname in our home was “Sissa”. When we were matched with Sissa, we were told of the high probability that she would return to her birth parents. During the beginning months with her, my heart was so confused. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a hope to be her forever mommy. However, her parents didn’t resemble the false stereotypes that I’d heard about. They showed up for every visit, waited eagerly for her, and did everything that was asked of them. A couple months into us caring for her, her parents had one of their first hearings which would determine whether or not the county was justified in removing their child from their home. The ruling was not in their favor, and they were not granted permission to take her home that day. They did, however, have a visit scheduled for that evening. 

That night when I drove to the county building where I would drop off Sissa for her visit, I didn’t have our other three children with me. I was alone. In that moment, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to drop Sissa off in a very different way than I had previously done. Often I would drop her off in a location at the main building that would allow me to stay in the car with the kids, and the visitation social worker would come to get her. Doing it this way meant that there is no interaction with the birth parents. It makes it a lot easier when you have a bunch of little kids in the car. No need to unbuckle, corral, and buckle back into the car. It also doesn’t allow for lengthy conversations with the birth parents, which was a welcomed buffer for my fearful heart. 

So when I sensed the Spirit prompting me to walk Sissa in on such a heavy day, you could say I was more than a little nervous. Not only was I motivated to ask them about their court hearing while waiting for the visitation social worker, but I felt the push to pray with them. I asked them if they would be open to me praying with them after they had responded about the day’s events. They were open to it, so we huddled in the lobby of the DFCS (Department of Family and Children’s Services), which just seemed super crazy to me! In our prayer, I asked God that we would be united and on the same team, that we would all give Sissa the best possible life that we could, and above all always keep her best interests in mind. 

My hope of being her forever mommy would quickly fade into the distance. Walls came down between us, walls that had once given me a false sense of comfort but had ultimately never seemed to cast out the fear in my heart. The fear that it had to be “biological parents versus foster parents” was removed that day; now, we were united in our love for this precious little one. That day, God asked me to step into the mess and the pain a little further. It was extremely difficult to be obedient, but through that obedience God poured out a healing balm on our hearts that became the bond of love between our two families.

Sissa is now happily reunited with her family. Her time with us and on this fostering journey continues to challenge me and the walls of safety I often choose to hide behind. I sometimes think that those on the other side of our walls may not understand that we are cowering in fear of the unknown. The walls we put up can offend, oppress, and keep us from the very thing we all really desire: love. But there is something very good to be found on the other side of the walls we build up. It is often messy, but with Christ, bridges can be built to connect us and establish a greater empathy in us for one another. Whether you have walls or perhaps unchartered waters in front of you, I encourage you to take a leap forward because there is something so much sweeter than safety to be had on the other side of your fears.

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Remarkable Hospitality

One of the things my husband and I most enjoy is hosting, and opening our home to friends and family. We both love to cook, and I love to bake, and we like to create a space that welcomes others. We’ve been living in our apartment building for almost 10 years. The spring before we actively began fostering (knowing that a baby in our midst would probably limit some of our activities), we hosted an open house, complete with drinks and a table laden with food. We assumed that “Open House” meant people would stay for a bit, but mosey on out. We assumed wrong! Our 2 bedroom, 1100SqFt apartment was packed with our neighbors the whole evening – like 100 people for 4+ hours! This act of opening our home, of breaking bread with honestly mostly strangers, of toasting a drink with people who didn’t look or believe like we do, changed the dynamic in the building for us. It opened doors to build relationships, and it removed walls. These neighbors became friends. They’ve welcomed each of our four babies, and seen us live out the joy and sorrow of fostering, and our son, Jack, he is deeply loved in our building. 

Scripture encourages us to practice hospitality, telling us that we should seek to show hospitality (Romans 12:13)—literally, to “pursue the love of strangers” (Heb. 13:2)—and that doesn’t mean to simply hang out with our best friends. If we want to demonstrate obedience to our heavenly Father, we will practice biblical hospitality. 

Maybe you’re thinking, this isn’t for me, I don’t like to cook, my house has constant stacks of laundry, I work 2 jobs, and my kids are crazy, I want to encourage you that Hospitality and entertaining are not synonymous.

Throughout the Bible we see numerous occasions of God’s people stepping into places of hospitality, most notably the Good Samaritan, but also in the stories of how Jesus sat with tax collectors, and outcasts of society at the time. 

God invites us to a place of remarkable yet practical hospitality. Jesus set before us two commandments, to Love God with all our heart, mind, and soul, AND to Love our neighbor. Hospitality at its core is loving your neighbor. Practical hospitality looks like painting teacher’s lounges at your local school, writing cards to social workers, it looks like inviting your co-worker and their family to dinner, neighbors to s’mores around the fire pit this summer, extending an arm of grace and a Starbucks card to your unhoused neighbor you pass daily as you jump on the freeway. And it looks like, welcoming a child in Jesus’ name into your home, and saying yes wholeheartedly to the implications of loving with open arms (getting “too attached”, saying goodbye, saying yes to the whole family). 

4 years ago, we were in the midst of transitioning our second foster love to an auntie. It was the height of Covid, courts were shut down, agency engagement was limited, and this goodbye was unimaginably difficult. The trajectory of her story changed multiple times from adoption to reunification, to visits, to adoption, to finally a less than 24 hour notice of a final goodbye. Those early visits with Auntie were strained, I won’t lie, and I have a photo of Auntie and our little love sitting on our couch, and our faces tell that hard story. In the four years since we said goodbye, we kept showing up for that little girl, and her auntie. We kept loving her, we kept demonstrating remarkable hospitality as we continued to welcome them into our family, and auntie too, demonstrated a sacrificial love, allowing us to stay in contact, building relationships. We have that little girl about once a month for sleepovers and offering respite to auntie, we drop off mother’s day gifts for auntie, and are welcomed to birthday parties with the whole family. And now I have new photos of us sitting on our couch, this time as only God could do, the strangest blended family, celebrating birthdays and holidays. God can take our deepest wounds, and turn them into our greatest calling.

May is Foster Care Awareness Month, but the call to action isn’t limited to May, and the specific highlight of Foster Care Awareness Month, the invitation to love and care for some of the most vulnerable, exists daily. Multiple times a week our team hears of children in need of a home, in need of a temporary but wholeheartedly committed family to provide stability and love. Time and time again in the Bible God calls us to step outside of our comfort zone, to go beyond our city walls, and to love our neighbor. For some this may look like welcoming children into your homes and families, for others this could look like showing up with a meal, with offers of tutoring, or babysitting, or yard work. 

This month marks 7 years since my dad died. He is known for many things, including his deep love for Jesus, his family, and football (and soccer), but for those that knew him, what he was most known for saying and living, is “don’t take care, take risks.” Take risks for Jesus. It’s risky business loving without guarantee of forever, it’s risky saying yes to kids who have experienced trauma, it’s risky welcoming extended family into your home. BUT this risk, this example of remarkable (practical) hospitality in a hostile world is an expression of God’s love. It’s putting that extra leaf in the table, it’s building an IKEA bed, it’s looking into the face of a child and seeing how desperately they just need a place to call home.

My prayer is that at as God moves on your heart this month, and in the months to come, that there is a family – single, married, with or without bio kids, empty nester even, to say yes to these 12, 13, 14 year old girls who need to know the love of God, and the love and stability of a family. Families to say yes to sibling groups, because too many of our young neighbors are being sent out of county and away from their schools and communities because we don’t have enough homes to welcome them. 

But, even still my prayer is that beyond a step of faith into the remarkable hospitality of foster care, that each of us today would seek to show practical hospitality, that our hearts would be open for ways that we can demonstrate the love of God, so freely lavished upon us, in practical ways – within our communities. 

 

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Asking For & Accepting Help

Does anybody else have a hard time accepting help, let alone asking for help? No, just me?! I always knew going into foster care and embracing the model of Foster the City of having support friends was going to be the more challenging aspect. Oh for sure, saying goodbye and walking through that grief were some of the hardest moments of my life, but in the day to day, inviting others in has overwhelmed me.

We just welcomed a new little one into our home, so we’re back in the new placement stage. Baby boy is our third little one in our home, and I don’t know how I would have finished this first month standing without the tangible and emotional support of our community. Coffee, dinners, lunch, breakfast, check in texts, postage stamped cards (I love getting mail that isn’t junk mail!), flowers, baby supplies, gifts for me, gifts for baby, sanity (masked) walks, and arms to cuddle baby (because his favorite place is right in your arms all.day.every.day)!

Just a quick glimpse into our first week: on his day of discharge I fielded 10 calls regarding his case. In the first 2 days home we had two social worker visits, and an extended doctor’s visit – all quickly followed in the next 6 days with a visit, multiple additional calls and emails, a court hearing, and a 90 minute phone meeting.

So those meals delivered meant my brain didn’t have to think of what’s for dinner, nor did we have to clean up from making dinner which, when evenings are hardest for baby, makes life so much easier.

Sanity walks provided me with accountability to actually get out and breathe, and offered adult conversation that wasn’t baby centered.

One friend dropped off fresh baked bread, and it became my daily bread for three days straight. Good bread and good butter will always be a go to comfort food.

Let me tell you something – my deep dark secret (OK, one of many) – this support, it brings me to my knees. Even though I just expounded on how meaningful and impactful this support is, my biggest struggle is in receiving this support. My inclination is to say, “We’re good. We’ve got it. Thanks, though.” On the flip side I love being able to be the giver. I take joy in providing meals, sending cards, and texting. But to receive it… it brings me to my knees; in humility and in praise.

One of the joys for me of working with Foster the City is to be an active speaker for our Interest and Launch Meetings, and the irony is never lost on me as I share about the impact of having support friends on your foster care journey. God and I often discuss the journey we’ve walked together and the absolute sense of irony that exists in so many areas of my life. Here’s the thing – as someone walking the journey of foster care as a foster mama, a support for others, and working behind-the-scenes for an organization championing for these vulnerable children, I can confidently say that tangible emotional and spiritual support really does make a difference. The national statistic says that 60% of foster families don’t continue after their first year or first placement. If it wasn’t for the support we received in our season of saying goodbye and in turn saying hello again, I’m not sure of the depth of my yes. There are many taxing parts of foster care – physical, spiritual, and emotional – and we need a community around us willing and able to show up.

One of our Foster Families recently shared that they prefer referring to their “team” as a “Support Army” because that’s how it has felt.

“We’ve just been overwhelmed by the way they’ve shown up. We could go on and on about the ways (meals, supplies, date nights, child care, prayer). One thing I’ve loved seeing is how they jump into action, they ‘deploy’ the moment we get a placement. When we got our first placement a few years ago; there were diapers at our door, clothes, formula, a stroller and this was all within a few hours. The intensity of that commitment was such a comfort, a simple reminder that ‘ok, they really are in this with you.’

We’ve seen it in the way our team prays, we’ve gone through some pretty harrowing experiences, and just getting that text from our team lead, saying, ‘OK, here’s what we need to be praying about.’ It’s been the reinforcements we need.” – Jeff and Kashelle

You can hear more of their story and the stories of their support friends in their own words HERE.

In addition to the practical support, foster families need to be supported by the practice of prayer. Foster care is a spiritual battle. The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy but the Son of God brings life, and life in abundance. (John 10:10). The very fact that these children are entering care is a demonstration of that brokenness, and as foster parents entering into that trauma they need the protection of prayer.

By asking and receiving help from our community of support, I’ve experienced a depth of encouragement that has carried me through both the joy and sadness of foster care. I’ve forged deeper friendships, and enjoyed a vast array of meals. Furthermore, the little ones in our home have an army cheering them on in life, covering them in prayer, celebrating their life milestones, and rejoicing together when key moments happen. We’re not meant to do life alone, and I don’t believe we’re meant to foster alone. Not everyone can foster, but we can all do something. Take the help – say yes to that meal drop off, welcome an extra set of arms to cuddle baby, a fresh batch of energy to hang out with that teen; you might be surprised what it adds to your life.

A Challenge For You

*If you’re a foster parent or a potential foster parent and you don’t have support, especially as a Foster the City family, can I encourage you to ask for that help? It can be humbling, but there can be so much beauty in the ask. I’m linking to our Foster Family Information Form, and if you’ve never completed the form, please do it now. There are 19 different avenues of support you can check, as well as space to write in your own needs.

*If you’ve completed one in the past, and your needs have changed can I encourage you to complete it again.

We had one family recently share how their needs changed during this last year of the pandemic. She shared that being home all day with a preschooler was wearying, and in keeping safety a priority they weren’t using their support friends as babysitters, but the little girl needed a break from home. So, she reached out to one support friend who had guinea pigs. They created a time for the little girl to play on the front lawn surrounded by the guinea pigs, and those playdates made a tangible difference in the life of that family.

Another Foster Parent shared that initially she had thought asking for someone to walk the dog didn’t qualify as a need, and loved the idea of receiving meals. It turns out that the children in her care were incredibly picky eaters and the meals were going to waste, but that the dog was packing on the pounds! Needs arise as life happens, and every family’s needs look different. You never know what little things may add up, but getting support in those areas make a tremendous difference.

Questions to ask yourself
  1. What lightens the load?
    1. For some babysitting just isn’t an option, but there are innumerable ways to be supported.
  2. What are ways that make you feel loved?
    1. Think about the 5 Love Languages (Gifts, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service).
  3. Who is my Support Friend Team Lead?
    1. Rather than communicate with multiple people on an already loaded communication schedule, the support friend team lead serves to be the bridge between you and your support friend team.
  4. Who already exists in my circle of friends that I could invite in to be a support friend?
    1. Inviting Others In
Tips
  1. Figure out what works for you, your family, and support friend team in terms of sharing information.
    1. A shared Google calendar is one way to see at a glance what’s happening-meal drop offs, important dates (I like to share court hearings, visits, birthdays).
  2. Know your own boundaries.
    1. One family likes to cocoon for the first few weeks so they limit outside interactions.
  3. As your needs change, don’t be afraid to voice those changing needs.
Categories
Blog

Partnering with a Grieving Child

Five foster homes inhabited by strangers.
Four languages shouting unintelligible words.
Three siblings separated and estranged.
Two parents ensnared in addiction and abuse.
One baby brother requiring protection.

His shadowed eyes stared warily into mine. Their depths held such sorrow… At 3 1/2 years old, this little man needed more than just a safe home. He needed a safe space to grieve and rage and cry and be loved through each big emotion.

Welcoming children from hard places into our homes and churches means inviting in their sorrow and grief as well. We are choosing to actively enter their pain and loss and anger. Families and churches will experience grief and a deep sense of loss as we walk with children in foster care. True stories of abuse, neglect, cycles of addiction, and broken families will break our hearts. Saying good-bye to children we love will overwhelm us with grief. We will struggle to comfort the children that remain in our homes after hard good-byes. In addition to helping our kids from hard places access professional therapy and counseling services, let’s be ready to comfort them as they grieve. Let’s take time to acknowledge their sadness and anger. Let’s sit with them in their sorrow. Let’s comfort their hurting hearts. Here are some activities to do together with children we love as they process grief. Instead of trying to “fix” things or “make things better,” let’s focus on comforting them and connecting with their hearts.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)

Grieving Together
  • Actively Listen
  • Take a walk
  • Quietly sit side-by-side
  • Cry together
  • Share a hug
Mourning Alone
  • Write letters to birth family
  • Process through journaling
  • Compose a Lament Psalm
  • Walk a labyrinth
  • Listen to music
Creating Memorials
  • Decorate a jar for “collecting” tears
  • Create a Lifebook or photo album
  • Frame a picture of birth family
  • Paint comfort rock or picture
  • Construct memory box
Providing Comfort
  • Say a prayer
  • Nourish with food
  • Savor a warm beverage
  • Wrap in a blanket
  • Read a story aloud
Categories
Blog

Walking Through Grief as a Foster Parent

Experiencing Grief
Coping with the loss of a child in care

As foster parents, you have opened your hearts and home to vulnerable children in need. Often you have welcomed a child into your home who has experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect and you have taken on the large task of teaching them to trust, love, care and become responsible or independent by patterning such behavior for them. Attachment is often inevitable. Placement changes and transitions can be heart wrenching for you, your family, and the child in care. There is no way that separation can be made easy and painless. The following however, are suggestions for making the separation as positive an experience as possible.

For the Child that is Leaving:
  • Give them permission to express their feelings
  • In addition to accepting a child’s feelings, help them to identify them
  • Talk straight to the child about why they are leaving and where they are going
  • Make a life book or souvenir box
  • Share information about the child with the social worker so the best plan can be made for the child’s next placement
  • Give the child permission to leave you
  • Do not let the child “make” your reject them
For Your Biological Children:
  • Talk straight with your own children about the move and why
  • Give them permission to identify and express their feelings about the move
  • Communicate the positive aspects of the change
  • Allow your child to grieve
For Yourself:
  • Take time to sort out your feelings and think about where they are coming from
  • Allow yourself time to grieve
  • Talk to someone about your feelings
  • Work with the Social Worker and the family to speak about the steps of the transition
  • Establish what future contact could look like
  • Remember your good times and accomplishments
  • Plan time for a trip or a chance to “regroup”
  • Make a scrapbook of events and times spent together
  • Make an album with pictures of each child you have cared for
  • Start a garden in which you add a plant each time a child leaves your home in remembrance of the child
Consequences of Unresolved Grief in Foster Parents:
  • Emotional distancing / unavailability
  • Anger
  • Guilt
  • Depression and loss of energy
Who Unresolved Grief can Impact:
  • New foster placement(s)
  • Other foster kids in the home
  • Family members – spouse, partner, children
  • Self
  • Other relationships
Suggestions of Helpful Things You Can Do:
  • Talk about loss
  • Accept help and support when offered
  • Exercise moderately
  • Keep a journal
  • Be attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleep patterns
  • Read
  • Listen to music
  • Seek spiritual support
  • Be patient with yourself
How to Support Others Who are Grieving
  • Be a good listener
  • Let them feel sad
  • Do not minimize grief
  • Do not be judgmental
  • Ask about their feelings
  • Acknowledge the pain
  • Be available when you can
  • Talk openly and honestly about the situation unless the person does not want to
You know you are recovering when…
  • You can laugh and enjoy being with others
  • Taking care of yourself is not only O.K., but it feels good
  • The future is not so frightening
  • You can handle special days without falling apart
  • You want to reach out to others in need or pain
  • You now enjoy activities that you had given up
  • You can share humorous memories without crying
  • Your emotional roller coaster is slowing down
  • You can actually see the progress you’ve made

Caution: Don’t get alarmed if you’re suddenly feeling the pain of grief again, this doesn’t mean you are regressing, these feelings will come up from time to time when you least expect them.

Additional Resources
Podcasts

The Forgotten Initiative: Saying Good Bye: Navigating Reunification as a Foster Parent
Offers thoughtful insights and practical tools to guide children through hard goodbyes with honor and intentionality.

The Forgotten Initiative: Good Grief: Navigating Loss in Foster Care
In foster care, we know we will be met by loss. God does not ask us to see our losses or our child’s losses as good. It’s not about minimizing our loss, and still, our perspective on grief matters.

The Forgotten Initiative: Walking Through Grief with Hope
A child’s foster care journey begins with loss, loss of what they know, who they love, and all that is familiar. Grief follows right behind and exhibits itself in various ways. As a foster parent, you and those close to you are also well-acquainted with loss and grief as the very nature of your role is to love and let go.

Books

A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis
An honest reflection on the fundamental issues of life, death, and faith in the midst of loss.


The Goodbye Book, Todd Parr
Through the lens of a pet fish who has lost his companion, Todd Parr tells a moving and wholly accessible story about saying goodbye. Touching upon the host of emotions children experience, Todd reminds readers that it’s okay not to know all the answers, and that someone will always be there to support them. An invaluable resource for life’s toughest moments.


In My Heart, Jo Witek and Christine Roussey
Happiness, sadness, bravery, anger, shyness . . . our hearts can feel so many feelings! Some make us feel as light as a balloon, others as heavy as an elephant. In My Heart explores a full range of emotions, describing how they feel physically, inside, with language that is lyrical but also direct to empower readers to practice articulating and identifying their own emotions.